poise and grace, gone wrong....|
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«|by the days|»
These are the 26 newest scriptures as written by
«| antecedent 26 from the archives |»
«| antecedent 26 from the archives |»
|«|» Tuesday, April 18th, 2017 «|»|
run through, while running through the runthrough «|»
Two fully formed dreams last night. the first one, I remembered when I woke up in the middle of the night, now I remember nothing. the second one, I remember parts, but way less than it actually had. I was some really clean and tidy person with a house that I considered 'nice' (I don't know if it actually was or whatever, I don't have enough memory of the place). There was some sort of gathering, and a lot of extended family was there. A lot of small kids. Someone had some nacho cheese sauce, and these little bastards were getting it everywhere. Literally.
There was nacho cheese sauce spots like 6 feet up the wall. It was awful. They were running a rampage all over the place, godzilla destruction in their wake. I finally locked myself in the bathroom to try to get a breath, and wouldn't you know it... nacho cheese all over the bathroom. I was having a nervous breakdown, and then my (in the dream, never seen her before) GF came in to try to calm me down. She was a very strange individual. I don't even know how to begin to explain her. Pretty sure her eyebrows were actually just melty Sharpie ink though.
That's about all I remember of that.
Yesterday / last night was full of more Talking. Still feels like it's all teetering on an edge. Mental health is a hell of a thing. Learning though... I am always learning.
It seems like she swings back and forth minute by minute between just wanting to completely give up on everything, and being determined to do her best, and try to take control of it all. I can really sympathize, but I am getting myself to the point where I am separating sympathy from guilt from responsibility. I understand, I sympathize. But I also know that I didn't cause any of it, I can not fix any of it, and it is unhealthy for me to be a 'victim' of it in any way. That's not helping anyone. I am moving 'self care' up towards the top of my ladder of concerns, which is where it should be.
For now, it's one day at a time.
|«|» Monday, April 17th, 2017 «|»|
Zebra's Zero Zinc Zephyrs «|»
I had 2 really deep, vivid dreams last night that I have totally forgotten. I had one smaller one that I have totally forgotten, and all I remember, is a smaller one where I was a student in a school, and something weird was going on. There was a girl who I knew in passing, and one day she showed up, ... not put together right. She was walking funny, and at weird angles. Her voice sounded broadcast from somewhere else, instead of inside her. Everyone kind of ignored it, or wrote it off, but it was really alarming.
I saw her alone in the hall, and talked to her. It was the most abnormal thing ever. Her face didn't move, and her voice came out small, metallic, and distant like it was over a tiny speaker. she walked like a mummy. She stumbled and I steadied her, but she was cold, bloated and hard. Obviously dead. Like hella dead. Stinkingly hideously dead. I called her out on it, and she told me that she didn't have much time, she and some others had been captured by someone who was doing this thing to them. She was trying to tell me who it was and where I could find them to save them, but the connection was bad, and the bad guy was coming back.
There was more to it, but it's disjointed.
I can literally feel the difference in myself. I can feel that I have enough patience left to attempt to explain things, or discuss things like an adult, but absolutely not enough patience to deal with much bullshit. I don't want it to wear down to the point where I become impatient and reactionary. Sometimes, I'm honestly not even sure that I give it until the end of the month.
It's really out of my hands at this point, I have done what I can do, and I need to remember that I am NOT supposed to be in it alone, bearing all the burdens and carrying all the weight. I think that's actually one of my biggest issues... I have so much of the time, for whatever reason, actually been in it alone, when I shouldn't have, that it's become normalized for me, and I don't know any better.
That's fucked up.
Maybe realizing that is helpful... but it's fucked up.
|«|» Friday, April 14th, 2017 «|»|
Yesterday's Yellowing Yarn «|»
Last night, I had a dream that I have forgotten most of the first part. I was in a house, there was something to do with bicycles, and a neighbor's house, across the street. I know there was a lot to the first part, but I don't remember much until I was in a garage with several other people. I left through the back door, away from the street, and walked through an empty swimming pool, piled with junk, then along a path also piled high with junk. I was heading towards my house. When I finally got there, something was wrong, and someone who should have been there was missing. As I explored around, I found that the front fence, intended to defend the house from creatures, was partially down. There was a letter from the bad guys, so I guess it was a kidnapping. A dangerous enemy was there, and I think that they had once been a friend before being converted into a monster or a vampire or whatever the bad guys were. I remember this person had some banter and smack talk, but I can't remember what was said
, and I lose the thread beyond that.
I wonder what the weekend will bring...
That's almost a tongue twister.
Let me make it worse...
Wonder what waits this weekend..
Better, but not perfect.
There's always something dancing just beyond where I can reach it.
|«|» Thursday, April 13th, 2017 «|»|
X-raying Xenografted Xiphoids «|»
Last night, I dreamed that I had to go on a sudden unexpected road trip with some people. It was some sort of emergency situation, and there were no other cars on the road, and I didn't see any other people anywhere. I remember riding in the car, and lamenting all the things that I didn't have time to pack. We stopped somewhere, it was like a hotel or an apartment or something, but I don't remember there being any electricity, and it seems like maybe it was all trashed and ransacked.
I know that this one had a lot more details, but this is about all I am remembering from it.
The next dream, also had an empty sort of apocalyptic feel. I was in a sort of gully, that used to be a big river, but was only a trickle by now. Garbage and waste, etc. I knew that I was supposed to be somewhere else, and I was breaking the rules, and avoiding it.
As I slowly wandered back towards where I knew the city was, I saw someone else down in the gully. I recognized that it was a classmate, and knew that we were both avoiding school. Seeing her was kind of bitter-sweet. I remembered (in the dream) that we had been best of friends in elementary school, etc, and then grown distant when we got older, for whatever reasons.
I made my way over to talk to her. We were both awkward, but started talking about the past. I think we both wanted to be friends again. Suddenly there were sirens going off all over the place, and the entire city was on lockdown. This sort of thing was relatively common. She said we should look for a place to hide. I said that she safest place was the school. She said we were too far away to get there in time.
I crouched down and told her to get on, piggy-back. She was hesitant, first because it was kinda silly, and second, because she was wearing a skirt. I told her to trust me for old time's sake, and she did. I stood up with her on my back and said that I had to apologize, because I had never done this before. It took a lot of effort and concentration, but I flew into the air with her on my back, and carefully flew towards the school. I told her that I would get her to safety, then go back out and fight the invaders. She asked if I was the one in the mask who had been fighting them, and I said yes. She said that she understood why we had grown apart, because she understood that I had been trying to keep it secret. She said that we could be friends again, and she would keep my identity secret.
I thanked her, and as we flew to the school. As we flew over the town, we had to avoid some tear shaped vessels dropping from the sky. Where they landed, doors opened, and several vaguely reptilian humanoids emerged. I got her to safety, we shared a smile, and I flew back out,
and woke up.
In the third dream chunk I remember, it started with me being in the very middle of doing something or the other, in a public place, and I reached up, and my hair was totally full of shampoo. I suddenly remembered that I had taken a bath, and somehow forgotten to wash it out. I was embarrassed and horrified, and went into a bathroom. Everything in the bathroom was like more filthy than an Orc truck stop. I mean it was awful. The kind of awful filth that would make your skin crawl and your stomach heave. Filth, urine, feces, vomit. EVERYWHERE. I was lightly stepping around this place, trying to find an area clean enough, and some clean water, so I could try to wash the shampoo out of my hair.
There was more to this one, but I'm not sure that I even want to remember it.
Nothing else really going on, I suppose. I am feeling better enough (by comparison) that I am getting a bit restless with the taking it easy, and coddling my neck and spine every day. Tired of sitting and playing video games, but fighting myself to not go work on projects and over do it. It's a slow process, and it needs to heal right. Yesterday was harder than the day before. I guess it's going to take some self control to not over exert myself.
I suppose that's where my mind and my focus are for now.
Still wanting to get my health and well being backup. The other front has been uneventful thus far. Mostly. Feels like a tick tock waiting for a shoe to drop feeling though. Either I'll shake it over time, if it's unjustified, and / or it'll bear fruit. Time is the only way to know.
|«|» Wednesday, April 12th, 2017 «|»|
Wednesday, Wiggling Worms Weakly Wail «|»
I dreamed last night of riding in different cars. I was a kid, and I got in a fight with my brother.
But I don't remember details.
I've been realizing a lot of things lately. One of which is how I never *really* talk here any more...
A big part of my realizations, and eyes opening has been this whole thing with the chiropractor. It's made me look at my life a little differently. between that, and my GF dumping me (again) a few weeks ago... I've been doing a lot of thinking, about a lot of things
Oh yeah, she's dumped me about 10 times now... it's a long story, but basically, she has a lot of issues with PTSD and other even worse things. She is her own worst enemy, and has a terrible relationship with herself. So when her self hate builds up and she is unable to check it, it spills out into the form of attempting to sabotage her life, of which, of course, I am a big part.
So occasionally, she does this whole thing where she dumps me. I keep trying to explain to her that I am not a yo-yo, and that some things are just off the table as far as 'things you can do to cope with your issues.'
It's not fair to someone else (in this case, me), especially someone who cares and tries to help you, to do them like that. It's not something you can employ as a 'reset button' to blow off your rage, you know?
This time around, we had a reeeeally serious talk about it. I mean... we have had them before... numerous times... But...
But I am going to give it one last chance.
Its hard to tell how it the talk went... I know she listens, and I know she wants to do better...
It's the classically bi-polar thing where when she is doing well, it's not bad... but, it will eventually cycle, and then who knows if any of the previously earned progress will stick or not.
Frankly, I fear that it wont last. It's just a matter of how long. Not that i won't give it my best shot, mind you... I guess I have been afraid for a long time though, that it won't be sustainable in the long run.
I guess I am just hoping to help as much as I can, while I can, before I can't any more.
But all linked back to the chiropractor and where I was going with this...
I feel like over the recent years, I have become this.... thing.
Internally and externally, a hunched over withdrawn, twisted ...thing.
I didn't used to be like this. I am so beaten down from the struggle (not just relationship wise, but with the whole world). It's affected me in every way, and I didn't see it very well, until i saw the physical ways, at the chiropractor. The x-rays were awful, and now that I am straightening out a bit, I can tell such a big physical difference.
I am already standing straighter, and I feel like i am coming un-shriveled a bit. More like I used to be.
Like I said, it's not just the relationship thing, the whole world has been so dark and ugly, and the more I have been becoming awoke to it all... it's just been a lot of stuff, beating at me, you know?
I used to be this open light, standing tall and unafraid and just openly strange, I guess you could say...
But now, it's all work disguises and hiding and not interacting...
That all coupled with the relationship issues... it's taken a toll. With my straightening neck and spine, I am making an effort to straighten the rest of me as well, and stop rolling up into a ball.
I believe that I have been staying because I believe that it can be better for her, and I want her to learn that, too. She has had an unbelievably shitty life, and no one has ever tried to show her anything better.
Even if the long term for us is not 'a thing' (and I have been afraid for a long time that it won't be), I STILL want her to grow and learn, and see that there is more to life, and other things besides the bad stuff.
This is weird for me, because I have gotten to the point where I never talk about this stuff, or much of anything 'real'. I guess that was part of it, too. I just got so closed in that I couldn't even talk about anything anymore.
I want to stop that, too.
Turning into a little lump of coal is no way for me to go on.
|«|» Tuesday, April 11th, 2017 «|»|
Vivacious Vixens Value Vulnerable Voles «|»
Last night, I dreamed of being in an arcade or something. There was some fighting or wrestling game or something that I was looking at. Someone had wandered off, and left a lot of credits in it, so I was playing for free.
Don't remember anything else about that one
Next, I dreamed that I was on another planet, in a big garage type thing, working on a space ship. It was supposed to be a really old, classic space ship, and even so, I didn't really know what I was doing. I was supposed to be swapping out whatever passes for a space ship engine, and figuring it out as I go. I think someone was with me, and I knew that I was part of a larger team.
In the middle of this, someone came to get me, because there had been a murder. I went to see what had been going on, and there was a house, with a dead body in at least half the rooms. All of my team mated had been killed in various horrifying ways. Which was really odd, because we were like space traveling super heroes. They were all really cool looking, various aliens or whatever, I guess. There was a huge purple guy, a blue girl, a green person of indeterminate gender. There were other ones too, but I the details are eluding me.
As I was trying to figure out what the heck had happened, my team mates began to return to the house. Like... Duplicated of them, to discover their own dead bodies. Eventually everyone showed up. We were trying to figure it all out. Were the dead ones fakes? Clones? Were the dead ones the original ones, and the living ones clones? It was a whole big thing, and it was really detailed and going all over the place. I wish I could remember more specifics, but that's all that I have.
The people sitting / standing near me at work today are thoroughly fucking awful. They are chatting and being totally shitty and judgmental about... IDK who. Someone one of them knows or... something? I have been able to hear part of it, and it's turned my stomach. People are fucking terrible in general, but these people.... Awful to the bone. Reminds me of why I wear my Work Disguise, I guess. They're relatively young, too, which is a sad shame. It must be really stressful to live life being so fucking worried about how other people dress etc, that it makes someone act like they are. I wouldn't even be sad right now, if they all fell over shitting themselves.
|«|» Monday, April 10th, 2017 «|»|
Underneath Unspoken Underwear, Ungracious Unmentionables Undulate «|»
I know that I had three dream cycles last night, but I am only remembering the middle one.I was in my old back yard, in the swamp. It was like it was back when I was a kid, shady and cool, a canopy of trees, ground steeply descending to the water. I was sitting on some stairs or something that were never there, and I was older. Maybe as old as I am now, maybe not. Not sure. As I sat there, a couple of people that I had gone to High School showed up, with food. We all 3 sat / lay out on the ground, and ate our hamburgers, while I was telling them about this character that I had invented.
The character was a really old living skeleton. He had been around long enough to see humans change from hunter / gatherers into murderer / hoarders. He had always been an average guy in life, and continued right along that trend for thousands of years as a skeleton. The only thing remarkable about him had always been the clarity of his memory, which was truly detailed and deep. He could remember every detail of the meat rotting off of his bones, as well as all the books he had read, and all the experiences of his lengthy time observing the world.
Needless to say, he couldn't get out much, even with a good complicated disguise, it was tough. His early efforts were actually the root of the "Death" imagery that persists in modern culture to this day. He was a wealth of information though, from classic to pop culture. The escalating age of mail order through the internet had served him very well, because he didn't have to ever go out any more. A series of careful investments many years ago had set him up very well, so he never really hurt for anything, and was able to keep his existence a secret.
I don't know where it was all going, really. Not sure if I was writing a book, or making a movie, or what, but I was telling them all about it. As we talked, a tiny bobcat kitten (a bobkitten? is that a word?) came out of the woods, and came right up to me, and climbed in my lap to try to eat some of my hamburger. It was friendly and playful, and showed no fear or hesitation around me at all. Needless to say, it was adorable and I loved it and wanted to keep it. I was debating about if that was a good idea or not, and decided to carry it around to the front of the house. As I rounded the corner, a bunch of new people showed up, and the kitten started to really freak out and try to escape. Since I wasn't looking it capture or imprison it, I let it go and it ran back into the woods.
As the new arrivals swarmed all over (not sure who they were, but they interrupted what was going on, and I withdrew from interacting), I returned to the back yard. I noticed that there was a huge piano in the woods, and went to go look at it. It was an upright style piano, and it was huge, probably 50 feet wide, and 30 feet tall. I walked up to it in amazement. It appeared to be a detailed, fully functional piano. I wanted to get a better look at it, so I flew up to the top of it.
Walking around on the top, I was that behind it, there was a whole huge maze, where the piano just formed one dead end turn, but it went out, as far as I could see, with all the walls the same height. Looking down to the ground on the inside, I saw that it was snowing, and had been for a while. As I watched, a lot of cats, traveling in a group entered into the area. There were probably 30 or 40 of them, easily. All different kinds of house cats. Before I had fully processed seeing a huge unit of cats traveling through a snowy maze, behind a giant piano, where swampland should have been, the cats were suddenly beset by wolves.
They were putting up a good, well coordinated resistance to the wolves, and they had numbers on their side. I was about to fly down and assisted them, when a small voice said "If you participate, you will be choosing a side. If you choose a side in this way, you will be making enemies." I looked, and saw that a small faerie was speaking to me. It said "Come, I will show you."
We flew around to different locations, while the little fae explained. This place was one of endless factions and groups, always shifting in who was aligned with who, and who stood in opposition. I had already seen the Cats, and the Wolves, but there were also tons of others, including the Fae.
We landed in an area that looked sort of like a parlor, or waiting room in a really old timey house. I sort of puttered around trying to get some idea of what was going on. The faerie had wandered off, as they often do. The room had a lot of mirrors in it, and every time my back was turned to one, or I wasn't looking directly at one, I kept seeing them fill up with figures and movement. An old lady came into the room, and was trying to talk to me. She seemed sinister. This went on for a while, but I don't have a bunch of details. The ultimate outcome, was that she was in charge of a faction of creatures called Mirror Imps, and they lived in an alternate dimension, and could manifest in mirrors, and snatch people up. they seemed evil, so I got out of there.
I wandered around to a lot of different places, while remaining somewhat outside of the faction system. There was a group of vampires somewhere, I didn't deal with them, either. Ain't nobody got time for that mess. There was a faction of Doctors which were in a holed up in a hospital type base. There was also a group of Librarians, a group of some people who hunted monsters, several factions of Faeries, and all kinds of other groups. I get the feeling that I only saw a smaller cross section of the over all design.
At some point, I found out that one of my friends (who is basically missing and off the grid IRL) had been here, and this is why she is missing. I started a quest to try to find her. During this, I found out that another friend had also been here and was missing (this guy is not missing IRL at least, he lives happily in California). I was looking all over for them, following clues and infiltrating various factions. I infiltrated the Doctors, and they seemed legit. I infiltrated the Librarians and almost joined them, but then I found some areas in which they seemed secretly sketchy and sinister. I brokered a hostage release situation between a faction of Fae, and some living plant / mushroom guys. I helped an old lady and her grand-daughter get to the Doctors and get some help. They had just arrived in the maze, and were about to fall in with some bad faction or the other.
That may seem like a lot, but there was even more to it than that, only I can't remember it all.
Aside from that, nothing much to report. Still just took it easy and kept my neck supported all weekend. I do feel like I am getting better by small steps though. Got a Dr apt again today (3 this week), so we will see how it goes, and keep working at it.
|«|» Friday, April 7th, 2017 «|»|
Temporal Trumpets Trick Tardy Teens «|»
Last night, I dreamed that I had to go to the driver's license office. When I was finally done, and leaving, I ran into my exgf. She was leaving as well, so I offered to give her a ride. For some reason she had like 2 or 3 other people with her. I didn't know any of them, but I said I would give them a ride too, since they were all together.
For some reason the GPS didn't work in the car, so we ended up driving all over the place and having various misadventures. After a while, we ended up lost in a forest, and ran across a big medieval battle with knights and swords and everything.
That was a big involved thing, but I didn't retain any detail.
I don't know what it's going to take. Are we all just as bad? Do we ALL set ourselves up with every choice we make, and every action, then complain about it later, as though it is all something that some villain has inflicted on us, instead of the very straight forward and logical outcome of our own actions?
Do I do this too? Can I only see it so clearly with you, because I am outside looking in? Or is this actually just how things are for you? I do not understand actively (and negligently, but I guess you could at least claim that as 'accidental') working to destroy the things you claim to place value on, and then being upset that it is happening. Like if I go set fire to my books, how am I going to bitch about it with a straight face once they burn. For the life of me, I can not understand it.
But I think it is making me fucking crazy.
Silently slithering sanguine serpents sinuously stalking startled supplicants «|»
(Originally meant to be posted on 4/6/17)
Last night, I dreamed that I arrived early for some kind of festival or gathering. The location was some strange hand made looking castle style hotel place. Only a few people were there already, and I knew them personally. Apparently, whatever this festival was, it was something that my (dream) friends were organizing,
I put my stuff in my room, and went down to a courtyard area, and was talking to a guy that I knew, who was one of the people in charge. As we talked, a shape appeared in the area with us. It's hard to describe. It was vaguely an orange color, but it was some sort of creature that you could not exactly see when you looked directly at it. Not in that 'Predator' optical camouflage way, but in a sort of... Geometry folded into space-time way. It looked like thin hazy geometric shapes, made of a light transparent mist, slowly collapsing into one another. Even when you looked straight at it, it somehow (inside your brain) seemed to be only at the edge of your vision. We didn't know what it was, and before we could figure anything out, it went to my friend, and swallowed him up. It covered him like a bubble, then slowly constricted down until it was tight on him, and eventually, inside of him. His eyes glowed the orangeish color of the creature briefly, before it was done. then he somehow re-build himself, and the creature was inside of him, driving the vehicle of himself, and he was no longer in there.
It was an evil thing, and more were on the way. I tried to tell the other people what was going on, but it was a weird combination between no one believing me, no one being able to hear me, me not being able to form words, and me not being able to find anyone to tell, but all at the same time, somehow. People began to show up to the event, and there was nothing I could do about the situation, no matter what I tried. Eventually, I just decided that I would get my stuff from my room and try to find some way to leave. That would be tough, because the area was isolated, and my departure plans were not scheduled until the end of the event. I went back to my room, and there was a sign on the door that said "Do Not Open: Whores".
Needless to say, this was very confusing, so if course, I opened the door anyhow, because it was my room, and my stuff was in there. Right there, on my bed, there was a man and a woman, both old enough to be grandparents, doing absolutely filthy things. I was shocked and disgusted (MY BED!!!).
The woman paused, and carefully explained that I had signed, as part of my rental agreement, that my room was to be exclusively for whore use for X amount of hours a day, and I had to leave and come back later.
I didn't know wtf to do, so I left. I sat around on a dock thing for a while, trying to figure out the entire situation, and eventually, some person that I used to know came along with like 4 little kids, and invited me to take to boat tour around the swamp, surrounding the castle place. For some reason, I agreed. I sat and looked over the side, at the murky shapes moving around the water
I know there was more to it than that, but that's all I remember enough to lay out.
|«|» Wednesday, April 5th, 2017 «|»|
Rigidly Rictus Rotting Rascals «|»
Last night, I dreamed that I was at the mall, or some place similar, together with two women. It was a city that I was unfamiliar with, and we were trying to find things to do. It seems like maybe it was someone's birthday, or some sort of cause for celebration. We discussed where to go next, and finally decided to go to the zoo. When we were leaving this mall place, we got turned around, and couldn't remember where the car was. We finally found the general area, but it was floor upon floor of parking garage, and we didn't know which floor we were on, even though we knew which general area, and which way the car was facing.
As they began to go up flight after flight of stairs, looking, I decided to fly up the outside (it was a sort of enclosed area, but clear to the top), and look more swiftly. I woke up right after I found the car, and I was flying back down to let them know.
After I fell asleep, I went back to the same world, but we had decided to go to the movies instead of the zoo. The theater was a really old victorian opera house, and it was showing some really old black and white business. Dracula or something maybe. We couldn't sit together, so I ended up a couple of rows ahead. My neck started hurting (pain invades my dream :/ ) and I moved to sit on the floor. A motherly woman behind where I was sitting took my head and cradled it on her lap while the movie played.
Later, I had a dream that it was the future, and the world was going to hell. I had a group of people, and we had to fight these bad guys. We invented this device, which seemed more magical than mechanical. We could take a tire (on the wheel, just removed, like you were changing a flat), and strap a show to the middle of it. When you slipped your foot into the shoe, the tire would fly, and you could control it just by thinking about it, I guess.
The bad guys stole our plans, and started making them, and also started hording and destroying all the wheels/tires they could get. I had found some sort of small wheel, only a few inches across, and fixed it to the top of my shoe, so I could still glide and hover and stuff, but not the daredevil flight and speed needed to fight the evil team. I also discovered a way that we could use basically anything flattish and roundish to recreate the effect. I took some people from my team dumpster diving so that we could find big tuna cans to make new flight gear with. At one point, I was having a high speed air combat match with the leader of the bad guys, and we were knocking over buildings and stuff.
This one had a lot of detail, but I can't remember much more.
|«|» Tuesday, April 4th, 2017 «|»|
Quietly Quilting Queens «|»
Last night, I dreamed that I was part of the waitstaff at some weird local eatery or something. It was a combination between an indoor / outdoor restaurant, a fun house, a haunted attraction and several other things. I don't remember much about the dream, other than struggling to do the work, amid awful customers, and hoping for something better out of life.
In the next dream, I had a meeting with the president. I was shown into the oval office, and he was playing some weird video game on a touch screen laptop. The game showed super realistic scenery, and let you re-shape it by touching the screen, and pulling it into new shapes or configurations. You could also change the texture and color of things. The adjustments allowed you to completely change the laws of physics (floating stuff, etc). He was really into the game, and he kept saying that whatever changed in the game, changed the same way in reality. I started to believe him after a while, and I was never sure which one of us was crazy, but we had a really good time.
The final dream that I remember, I had these really long (like 2 or 3 feet) hairs growing out of my nose and ears. Maybe my eyes, too. It was only 2 or 3 strands from each location The hairs were super thick per strand though, like the thickness of maybe 10 individual hairs. someone (not sure who) was helping me, and we had some scissors to cut them off. The problem was that the entire strand of hair had feelings, like your finger or skin would.
It was pretty horrifying.
Felt like some progress yesterday at the Chiro. My neck adjusted face down for the first time. My back still will not, but it did not require as large an amount of pressure to get it moving as it has so far. I think the stuff I have been doing at home has been helping as well. I will keep at it, and try my best to be better.
I spent all my fucking money on this, so I guess I had best do what I can.
Another appointment today.
|«|» Monday, April 3rd, 2017 «|»|
Perpendicularly Placed Penguins, Perpetually Pooping Pink Pizza «|»
Nothing new. I haven't been doing anything but trying to rest and relax and take care of my neck. Sitting at work is just killing my neck and back, so basically when I am not here, or at the Dr, I am at home, reclining and doing the exercises and stuff that the Dr gave me. It's not so bad under those circumstances. It's really just the sitting in my work chair, (no head rest, no way to recline at all) that's been so tough on it.
The Dr is expecting that by the end of this week (after the next 3 appointments), that I should have more relief. I am really hoping so.
As stated, aside from that, nothing new, I don't guess. Although, I figure that the whole neck / pain thing is a bit consuming, so I am probably just not thinking about anything else to speak of.
|«|» Friday, March 31st, 2017 «|»|
Outside, Overhead Ovens Operate «|»
Still not dead.
In case you were wondering.
Last night, I remember 2 different dreams.
In one of them, I had this pet goldfish. Apparently, I loved him, because I took him everywhere with me. In a zip-loc bag, taped to my chest. Or in a glass, or Just in my hand, trying to not spill water. It was awful, and the poor thing was always almost gonna die, but then I would get him to water just in time. So, at some point, someone presented me with this new product, called Fish Wig. It was a sort of inflatable helmet, only instead of being 'inflatable' with air, you filled it with water, idk if there's a word for that. At any rate, once you filled it with water, you put it on your head, like a wig, or a helmet, and it had a sort of flap thing you could open to put your fish in. I was really excited about this, but I woke up as I was just about to close the flap once I got my fish inside of the thing.
For the other dream, I was living in a camper trailer or something, out at the old property. There were a lot of other people around, either camping, or living there, I'm not sure. It seemed almost like a gathering or a convention or something. I was trying to find some VHS tape of a movie which was about a samurai, surviving the apocalypse. I needed it to show to all these other people, but to regain my lost copy, I had to go on some sort of perilous quest. I was looking for supplies and a bicycle
, but I woke up.
Aside from that, I missed 3 days of work because of this ridiculous neck pain. Spend the time with my head reclined, and going to the Dr daily. I have some exercises to do at home, and 3 more Dr apts next week. Hopefully it should be more tolerable soon.
The health of your bones and nervous system is no joke, apparently.
I guess I will just be laying around all weekend, hoping that I don't hurt. :/
|«|» Monday, March 27th, 2017 «|»|
negligent nuptial nonsense «|»
I had a perfectly Hikikomori weekend. I've been trying to keep my neck and back as still as possible until this chiropracting business starts to make it feel better (probably some time at the end of this week, or next week, they say). So, I just crawled into my cave, shut out the world, and watched cartoons for 2.5 days. Started to get a little restless a few times, but even going to the kitchen, and making food to eat, I would start to feel the issues, so I'd just go back. I am going to have to watch myself and be sure not to over do it once I feel able to get back to working on projects.
Guess we will see how my appointment today goes. I will be going 3 times a week for the next month.
Last night, I dreamed of being in a bookstore. It was a wandering, sprawling sort of place. I went too far and ended up in a hardware store, and had to turn around and find my way back. Of course, I found the rare books section, and they had all kinds of cool stuff. I was eavesdropping on some people who were talking about some other place with a treasure trove of rare books
, but I woke up before I got all the details.
When I fell back asleep, I had another dream. This one was about being in a faction of rebels, fighting against the God Emperor of Mankind. Myself and some other guy were armored up, but not permanently attached. They were still suits, rather than grafts. The tech had been stolen from the empire directly, then modified, or maybe it was made from schematics / retro-engineering empire plans. There was some leader of another rebel faction that we were trying to meet with. This faction was opposed to using any tech at all, but you simply can not fight the empire that way, so we were wanting to meet, and combine forces, and help supply them with tech.
The leader was just argumentative, and wanted to fight everyone. She didn't seem to understand that even if we all teamed up, and had better tech than the empire (unlikely), we would still stand little chance for a true overthrow, that if tiny rebel groups squabbled with one another, and refused to use proper technology, then they're just helping the empire win.
We were getting her convinced, when suddenly, the forces of the Imperium attacked. They were throwing grenades all over, and I was picking them up and throwing them back. I didn't have tome to get my helmet on, and I got separated from it, and had to go on without. Throwing live grenades back at people was scary. During the attack the rebel leader lady got blown up and wasn't going to make it. My buddy and myself stuck her into a big armor suit, for the life support. It wasn't a standard armor suit, but a really big mecha suit, about 15 or 20 feet tall. She woke up as soon as it got her stable, and started screaming and trashing the soldiers all over the place.
I went through a bombed out building, trying to escape the carnage, and woke up as I was running across a courtyard.
As far as basically everything else goes... I dunno. Waiting to wait and see.
|«|» Friday, March 24th, 2017 «|»|
Mutual Monkey Manicure «|»
Last night, I had a dream that a friend of mine was working at the same office as me. She had come by my desk upset because her manager put her desk near the washing machine, and was giving her trouble because she was bringing a monkey to work. The monkey was her adopted son, and he was still a baby, and needed constant care. He was tiny and furry and cute. At my desk, I had a sort of small creature that was connected to me almost like a weird Muppet / marionette or something. It was a separate entity, but a permanent extension of myself at the same time. I had not been getting along with it.
We all (myself, and my creature, my friend and her monkey) all took a ride with a third party on our lunch break. I was concerned about not being back in time, and getting in trouble for being late.
That's all I remember of that one. It ended with us riding in the other person's car.
The next one started with me riding in a car, but was not related to that one. I was being driven by someone I didn't know, but it was just me in the car. The place we were going looked vaguely familiar, but I couldn't get any answers from the driver. We came to a house that also seemed familiar, and the driver put me out and left. As I walked up towards the door, I knew that I had been here as a child. I knocked and the door opened so I went inside.
As I got in there, I realized that I had been to this place repeatedly as a child. Some of my parent's good friends had lived here, and we had been quite close to them in my youth. As my mind was filling in all these gaps, and struggling to connect memories, and align this broken down worn place with what it had been many, many years ago, I heard movement from the back.
I cautiously went into the living room, and found our old family friend. In an award winning 'dreams are weird and make no sense moment', this guy was a big old man, much aged since my (fake / dream) youthful memories, but recognizable. He was big and round and hairy and old. He was supposed to be James Howe, the famous children's book author (whom I have absolutely no idea what the real guy looks like, and I'm not going to look it up, either).
I asked him if he remembered me, and he said of course, and we began talking. We talked about how our families used to spend so much time together, and how his daughter and myself were so close as kids. At the same time we were having these discussions, I was experiencing vivid "memories" of the events in the past. We talked about a lot of stuff, and finally, the conversation came around to his most famous book, 'Bunnicula'. The book, apparently had been secretly based on a true story, and at the end of a discussion/memories about the events back when I was a kid, I asked what had ever happened to the rabbit. He took me outside and told me to wait a moment.
On a trail, coming from the back of the house, a woman was approaching. As she got closer, I recognized her as the grown up version of his daughter from my childhood memories. I was excited to see her because we had been so close. She was walking slowly, and as she got close, I could see that she had a leash in her hand. On the ground, walking beside her, was Bunnicula. Unchanged in all these years. I looked at Mr Howe and said "so the rabbit really was a vampire, then?" "Oh yes", he replied.
And then I woke up.
Went back to the chiropractor yesterday. Now I am scheduled for 3 months of treatments. The xrays showed a problem with where my neck connects to my skull, another problem in the spine between my shoulder blades, and shows that standing straight, one of my collarbones, / shoulder areas sits about 1 inch higher than the other side. He says he can work it all out, it just takes time.
So now my entire savings (hoping to save and pay off some bills) is gone, and I am several hundred dollars in debt on top of that, but hey, at least I have this sketchy treatment paid for that may or may not accomplish anything. Everyone who has been to a chiropractor before swears by them, but this is new to me, and I am not well off enough to throw money around.
I am trying to tell myself that I made the right decision, and that it will be good 3 or 4 months from now when it's better, etc etc...
Depression is a real bastard though. So is poverty. So are other people.
|«|» Thursday, March 23rd, 2017 «|»|
Legally Leaping Legendary Leucistic Lagomorphs Left Laying Loftily Loose «|»
Last night I dreamed about driving a weird van that had 2 full sets of controls / steering wheels, etc. I couldn't see out of it very well, so I grew into a giant spirit, 20 stories tall, clinging to the van with my toes, and looking down, to navigate it through a city.
I don't really remember any details aside from that, but I know there was a whole story to go with it.
So, I gave it my best shot, and chose the Chiropractor yesterday. Picked one between work and home (closer to home) via google, based primarily off of convenient location. Went to by to get signed up and see if they took my insurance, etc. The receptionist said that he had time to see me in a few mins, so I filled everything out. After a 15, or 20 min wait, I hot prodded around on a bit, and then x-rayed. He found a lump of some kind in the affected area, and did something to make some unknown something in my back pop a couple of times. But, he has to examine the xrays to really see what's happening in there. I have to go back today after work. I guess we will see how that goes.
At least I am trying, right? That's gotta count for something.
Or not. Whatever. Fuck you.
Looking for decent quality, realistic looking, sturdy human skull replicas for a reasonable price is kind of absurd. Some of the prices, I could get a real one for that much.
|«|» Wednesday, March 22nd, 2017 «|»|
If I wasn't such a goddamned coward, I would get this over with.
Keen Kinetic Kitten Kites «|»
Last night, I dreamed of a river. I feel like I've been there before in other dreams. That's the weird thing about having so many dreams in a static alternative world... you revisit places, and sometimes they become familiar. At this river, there were these huge fish type animals. They were sort of like a sucker fish, and sort of like one of those sailboat jellyfish things that stick half way up out of the water, and sort of like a lion fish. They were leopard print colored, and kind of floated half way out of the water, and moved along more slowly than the flow of the river, but did not appear to be swimming against the current.
There were these little kids with them, participating in something that seemed like a ceremony or a festival or something. The kids had these hand made basic / representational outfits / costumes, made to look like the fishes, and they were in the water, behind the fish, following them, but also doing a dance type thing. I think they were also singing or chanting or something, but I don't remember any of the words (assuming that I even spoke the language, I have no idea).
There was a good deal more to this, and I knew a lot more about it at the time, but this is really all that I have taken away from it when I came back here, to the crappy world.
The next dream had 2 parts, and I woke up in the middle somewhere. The details are fuzzy, but I will try to write what I can remember.
I'm not really sure of the setting for this one. It seemed sort of like a store, and sort of like a spaceship. Maybe it was just a store from the future, and my primitive perceptions made it seem like a spaceship? It was bright and clean inside, and there seemed to be a lot of things, which is probably why it seemed like a store to me. At the start of the first dream, there were a lot of people in there, and it seems like there was some sort of friction. On one side was myself, and one other(I don't know how to quantify this person, I guess she was my 'guardian' but not like in a parental way, like in a super hero way, I guess?). The opposing side was a group of people or animals or aliens or... things of some variety. I'm not sure what the issue was about, as it didn't directly involve me, I don't think. The place we were in belonged to my Guardian, and this crowd was having some issue. that's another reason it felt like a store, I think, because the issue seemed somehow business related.
There was a good bit to this part, and this is where the details are most lacking, I remember things happening, and it being resolved to the favor of my Guardian, and it being a whole big deal
, but I remember practically nothing about it, besides those fleeting images.
The next part, after I fell back into the dream, picked up some time later.It was late, almost time for sleeping. We were still in the big bright white place, but a different area, and several others were there, but this was not a business situation, this was social. In the dream, I knew the other people. Or whatever they were. I have no specific recollection of them now though, I just know that they were very familiar, and in the dream, we were all totally at ease with one another.
At some point, I was out on a deck type area with my Guardian. The sky had more stars than I have ever seen before. I'm not sure if it was open air, or all enclosed in a big glass bubble, or what, because somehow, it still seemed a bit like a spaceship to me. It eventually grew very late, and everyone left, or fell asleep or something. I was kind of laying in a weird chair / couch sort of thing, with tall, solid arms. My Guardian came over and sort of layed on top of me, partly on me, and partly on the chair arms. It was kind of squishing me, but maybe not in a bad way. We fell asleep and I remember feeling like it was the most comfortable, deep, secure and safe sleep I have ever experienced.
Then, I guess I woke up, because here I am, in this place, and everything sucks, forever, until I finally die.
|«|» Tuesday, March 21st, 2017 «|»|
Processed Meat «|»
Here in this heart
where hidden devils dwell
with muscles on fire
and brain oozing rabid mice
Waiting to learn
what electricity tastes like
Every creeping thing
crawls across my skin
blowing inside and out
Life is starting to feel
like the ending to a sad boring tale
There is no cure
no straw into gold
More spit than shine
The cave is empty
but if we want to live
then we need the beast
to not go quietly
to ask permission
Two roads diverged
in a decaying wood
we dug a hole
and crawled inside
the carriage held
and less humanity
The journey of
a thousand miles
with a single step
Justly Jesting Jerks «|»
Dreamed last night about having to watch these horrible children. It was all over the place, too. One part was at a house I have been to before, in dreams. Part of it was at a weird mall place, and then part of it was at a second house. The dream had everything from weird giant cheese sandwiches, to guys driving past, threatening to beat me up for being weird, to one kid pushing another down the stairs.
Repeatedly. I remember random little details, but I don't know that it makes much of a narrative.
Did I talk about the kittens? Zero Bobcats. That was disappointing. Since she was a stray, and became preggers at a state part with a lot of bobcats, I was hoping for the best. What we ended up with is 1 pink, 1 yellow, 1 red, 1 light/grey tortie, 1 silver, and 1 dark/black tortie. They all have long bodies, long legs, and really long tails. They were born on Sunday. I petted every single one of them yesterday.
Aside from that (or, including that, you be the final judge), everything is basically shitty garbage.
I am honestly feeling (at the moment, the larger moment however, I suppose...) that I have absolutely no idea why I am bothering to exist.
|«|» Monday, March 20th, 2017 «|»|
Ignored Ignorant Industrialized Idiots «|»
Last night, I had a dream in several parts. As near as I can tell, it was all the same world and persons. I just woke up in the midst, and tuned in to several different periods, which may have been unrelated to one another in any way that I can understand.
First, I was in this desolate sort of long, narrow house place. It was post apocalyptic and a real mess. Junk and trash, cobbled together to form a dwelling, where even as horrible as it was, I had the feeling that it was better than a lot of places. I lived there with other people, and we lived quiet and secret like mice. Sometimes the place seemed to flood or something, or compact and squish, to have to be cleaned out again. I'm not sure how it worked. I was running through the length of it, and it seemed that we were under attack by someone or something.
I made it to the far end, which was a sort of open area, several stories high. All the people who lived there seemed to have some various sort of powers with which to defend ourselves and our area. As I made it into this open room, with no walls, way up in the air, there was a huge guy in there. He had a long metal tube / pipe thing, and a pile of nuts and bolts. He would slip a nut or bolt into the pipe, and then raise it to his mouth and aim. Like a giant blow-dart gun, he would blow and shoot the small metal ammo out. He was aiming at enemies that were like ridiculous far away, and completely destroying them with every shot. There was another guy in there, fist fighting a robot or something, as well. Several others and myself were told to run, so we went back the way we had come, but the halls were filling with debris and compacting. I jumped and turned into a sort of incorporeal cat that could pass through the walls like a ghost, but I couldn't do it for very long.
There was a break here where I woke up.
When it picked up again, I was in the same place, but time had passed. Things were more calm. There were no attacks, and the majority of the damage had been repaired. Only a few people lived here at this point. The open area of the previous battle was totally destroyed, and I lived at the edge of where the destruction was. I lived under the rule of some boss / father type person that wouldn't let any of us go outside. I had a secret hole in the ceiling of the rubble I called a room, and slipping through that, I went up into a crawlspace, and from there, up through another door, to a roof / landing type area. The overseer guy didn't know about this. Several of us would meet here, in order to be outside and left alone.
As we met here, someone was missing, and we thought that they had run away, and might be in trouble, and we needed to look for them. I was going to search, and everyone else was going to cover for me. But there were some bullies from the overseer's faction that were going to make it difficult somehow. I flew up into the sky, and flew towards the agreed upon direction. I flew past all sorts of landscapes in my search, landing often to look around. I think at some point i was being followed.
I woke up from this one around this point.
In a third sequence, I was waiting in a empty bombed out looking room, looking out of huge open windows, over a swampy park type ground, where people walked, and guards patrolled. In the room to my right, there was a large, important meeting going on. Like a congress / parliament / council type thing. Whatever they were talking about had to do with my fate. I'm not sure if they were deciding a punishment, choosing a mission or what, I had the impression of all sorts of things. I could not hear them very well from where I was, because the door was blocked and guarded. My best bet was listening out the window, to try to hear voices from their neighboring window. I was unguarded and not supervised, so I could move around the room freely.
As I stood near the window, and listened, it started to rain outside. The people walking the paths, as well as the guards patrolling all ran to stay out of the rain. I thought it created a beautiful scene. The lush green rain forest looking foliage, and the swampy plant filled pond, rippling with the raindrops. I could not hear the voices from the meeting next door anymore because of the rain, so I moved closer to the window. Then I realized that I didn't even have to stand there and wait for them. I just stepped out the window, and hovered above the pond. I moved near the window of the meeting room and listened in on their nonsense directly. I figured that if I didn't like whatever they had to say, I would just fly away.
I don't remember anything else from that one before waking up.
The final thing that I remember, after falling back asleep, is being in a different part of the same world, waiting on a platform for a sort of train / subway / elevator thing. It was somehow all of those at once. It was brand new, and kind of a big deal they they got it up and running in the crappy apocalypse or whatever. I was all alone, except for the staff of the facility. The platform arrived, and it was a sort of flat seatless thing on a track. I walked out onto it and sat down on the floor of it. Soon, a very pregnant woman came along and sat down, then with great pomp and to-do, these two very fancy uniformed official guys arrived and also got on the cart. After it began moving, we all began to talk, and they discussed how nice it was to have electricity again, and how much things were improving. The woman was saying that she would be able to raise her child in a world with lights and power, and she was going to make sure that the kid grew up playing all the classic video games. The uniformed men were very happy.
The cart we were on, kept sort of leaving me behind, because I could fly. Where everyone else just stuck to it, as it would go up and down, i would kinda stay 'up' when it dropped from under me, and I would have to move towards it to sit again. After a bit, and a couple of big drops, I got left behind a bit. In the tunnels it was moving through, some sort of fuzzy stuff would kind of close in behind the flat car after it passed. I got a little too far behind, and the fuzzy stuff was closing in around me. I changed back into something similar to that cat from the first sequence, but instead of being able to go through things, I was just incredibly aerodynamic, and had some crazy good running shoes on my hind feet. This was apparently the best way to get through the fuzzy stuff. As I was zooming through the tunneles to catch back up to the platform
, I woke up.
|«|» Friday, March 17th, 2017 «|»|
Hibernating History's Harsh Horrors «|»
I remember having at least two distinct dreams last night. The first is gone, and possibly involved kittens, but I'm not sure. The second one, I remember parts of. I was going into a store that I have been to in dreams before. In this dream, I had worked there many years ago, and was hoping that I did not see any of the people I used to work with. I was with some guy who was sort of like my friend, but maybe not really. It was the middle of the night, and the employees were mopping and waxing the entire floor, so it was sort of hard to navigate around. I ditched the turd that I was there with. Or he ditched me, not sure. I was sick of the world, and just wanting to buy snacks, and DVDs, and withdraw from the world for a few days. I had some good frozen treats, to cook in the oven later, and a lot of ice cream. As I was going to look at the DVDs, I ran into someone I was supposed to know only vaguely. Maybe like an online friend or something, not sure. I accidentally ran into her, and we looked at DVDs together. I told her about my plan to just withdraw and have snack / movie marathons for a few days, and she asked to come with me. I agreed, and we found a DVD box set called "100 low budget Asian horror movies" that we were both pretty excited about.
I woke up before we left the store.
|«|» Thursday, March 16th, 2017 «|»|
Ghastly Garish Giant Giraffes «|»
Last night, I mostly just kept waking up from pains, and trying to envision a healing light over my neck, back and shoulder. I know that I had a couple of dreams, but I only remember one small thing about one dream.
I remember being at a flea-market type place with someone, but I am not sure who. Maybe my stepdad, or my brother. There was this huge redneck guy sitting near us, eating all this sloppy food, and being horrible to his family. As he was screaming at and threatening one of his kids, he sprayed half chewed food from his nasty mouth all over my face. I stood up in shock, and of course rather than apologize or any half decent response, the guy just got aggressive and started blaming it all on me, and yelling and threatening me. Needless to say, that didn't go over too well.
He got up and started coming towards me, and I was about to tear into him, but then I remembered that my neck and shit was hurting, so for one moment, I felt sort of scared and upset about how I was going to defend myself. Then I remembered that it was just a dream, so I shot out a beam of light, and burned the guy into dust.
Then I woke up.
So ready for it to be Friday.
|«|» Wednesday, March 15th, 2017 «|»|
Freakishly Flailing Flagellant Ferrets «|»
I remember that I had 3 separate dreams last night.
The first one was the most brief. It was about a sort of mild fender bender traffic accident.
Not much more to it than that, I don't guess.
The second one was about being at the old property, with a lot of extended family, and a completely different life. The normal every day aspects of that life were turned upside down by some new, intense romantic situation. I was being aggressively adored and pursued by a girl. She seems like I am supposed to have known her,
but I am ultimately unsure of everything. This one had a lot of detail, and seems rather long, but I only took a small amount away from it.
The third one is gone completely. I remembered it when I first woke up, but by the time I had brushed my teeth, it was gone. I know it was the most intense, longest, most detailed one of the night, but poof, gone.
The stupid neck / back / shoulder / whatever pain seems to be getting worse, not better. I guess I am going to have to see a Dr after all, like it or not. I have no idea when I will be able to schedule that, and follow through with it. This week is spring break and SXSW in ATX, so we have an embargo against missing work (write-up offense) until 3/21. I'm sort of strapped on my options. I have signed up for volunteer early release today (if we end up being less busy than expected, they will let some of us go sometimes), but I doubt that it'll happen, since a lot of people are already off for the fore mentioned reasons. If by some chance, I do get out early, maybe I will hit up that chiropractor, and get some info, and make an apt for tomorrow after work, or whenever they can fit me in. Fuck if I know. I am terrible at figuring shit like this out. It is so far into the territory of my anxiety, that it's really tough to decide which is worse. At least the anxiety passes. I am worrying that this physical pain won't pass on it's own.
What a fucking shit show.
|«|» Tuesday, March 14th, 2017 «|»|
Essentially Elephantine Elegance «|»
"I feel it all fading and paling, and I'm begging to drag you down with me, to kick the last nail in"
I am always coming here saying "I don't have much / anything to say" and variations of that.
I guess that's one of the reasons that I always try to write down my dreams. Well, that, and because otherwise they won't become permanent memories, but I guess that's a whole other thing.
Maybe I have that in reverse. Maybe the reason I feel like I have nothing to say these days, is because I have spent more time writing my dreams. Maybe life just isn't exciting these days? Or maybe it's just all the same tired old re-warmed crap it always is. And Facebook. Let's not forget to blame FB as well. For... something.
Pain isn't much better today. Can't miss work for a while, because I missed it a while back. My supervisor gave me the info for a chiropractor near here who takes our insurance though, so if it doesn't get better soon, I guess I will have to look into that. The physical pain will have to outweigh the existential horror of my anxiety of dealing with things like that, and push me over the edge, so I can make the decision. Stupid mess.