poise and grace, gone wrong....

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«|neoteric|» «|by the days|» «|congregation|»

These are the 26 newest scriptures as written by PoisonedGrace

    «| antecedent 26 from the archives |»
    «|» Tuesday, February 21st, 2017 «|»
    11:25 am


    How does a person come to terms with the fact that they might not have always been a very good person?
    Hell, how do you come to terms with the idea that you still might not be a very good person?

    Do we just look for solace in the concept that we learned things, and grew as a person? In the notion that maybe we managed to improve some? Do we weigh out our background, and try to see if maybe we were at least always a little bit better than our peers of yesteryear, better than the average in / of our situations and circumstances? That we did the best we could reasonably have done given our tools to cope with it all at the time? Do we justify our past shortcomings by thinking "Well, given the circumstances, it's a miracle that I wasn't a thousand times worse!"? All of those things may be arguably true, but if you were a shitheel, then you were still a shitheel.

    Constantly walking around thinking that you were decent didn't make it so... In fact, it took years to get to a place where you were even decent enough to SEE that you were not decent at all back then. Which means that you (read as "I", because really, who the fuck am I fooling here?) are finally just barely enlightened enough to put 2 and 2 together, and wonder "What if I am STILL a total ass-basket, and I STILL don't even fucking know it?"

    How do we know it? Is there some way to measure such things? Is it a sliding scale based on the time and the world that we live in? Does any of it even matter one way or another?

    I mean there's clearly nothing that we can do about the past, good or bad. The present and the future will end up how the end up, based on both ourselves, as well as circumstances beyond our control, and our reactions to them. Is simply 'doing the best we can in a circumstance' what makes us good people? Where is the cut-off line?

    The world is being destroyed and everything is fucked up and most people are absolutely horrible monsters these days, so does any of it even matter? All the more reason to just remove myself and disassociate from everything and everyone, forever. And it wouldn't mean anything to anyone if I did. Self loathing levels are reaching critical mass. Abort mission, abort mission!


    «|» Monday, February 20th, 2017 «|»
    1:36 pm

    "In love with poisoning..."

    "It doesn't get any better than this" is one of those sayings that can really be either a half empty or a half full statement, depending.
    It can be a "Yay! Top of the world!" sentiment, or it can be a "As shitty as this is, it's really the best we can hope for" type thing.
    I'm not even going to pass out free guesses about where my worldview is these days.

    «|» Friday, February 17th, 2017 «|»
    2:29 pm

    I did not come away with many details from last night, but I remember being at a house that I am unfamiliar with, in both the Real, and in the Dreaming. There were several people there, in addition to my family. We were planning a trip to the store, and more and more people kept coming into the room, wanting to go. Soon, we had way too many people to fit into the car, and we were going to have to take more than one. It kept on, and then we had more people than we had spots in all the cars.

    Me and my step dad went into a garage, and were trying to get an additional car running. It was a total wasteland beater of some type. I don't even know what kind of classic car, up on a chopped down truck frame. It had an open spot in the hood with a massive blower coming out. We did some things to it, and when my step dad started it, it lunged forward into a short wall, and a bunch of the engine parts, (including the entire blower) just tumbled forward into a pile of parts from the inertia.

    We were all like "uh oh", but
    that's about all I remember before waking up.

    I know there was more, and some other dream as well, but that's all I have at the moment.

    As far as everything else goes, so far, so good. Going along as best as it can at the moment, I suppose.

    «|» Thursday, February 16th, 2017 «|»
    9:03 am

    back without a vengeance

    So, I've been on vacation. Haven't been online much, and (obviously) haven't updated anything in a while. I am back now.

    Last night, I dreamed that I was driving a car full of people around. Either that, or I was the car. Or both. It was strange and didn't make a lot of logical sense. We were driving around, running over life sized Lego people. The Lego people were running around, trying to escape, and we'd run them down. They're re-spawn (just like a video game) after a while though, so I guess it was ok. At some point, the front driver side tire exploded, so I had to have everyone in the car pile up on the passenger side rear seat, which somehow balanced us on the 3 remaining tires so that we could drive to get a replacement. That's about all I remember of that one.

    I also remember dreaming of being at a grocery store. I have been to this one repeatedly in different dreams before, but as far as I know, it is not directly associated with any place in real life. I was there, with a friend, who was buying a lot of supplies for her father. He was supposed to be taking a test to become a full citizen of the US (he had immigrated from Iran). Part of this, was proving to the immigration inspector that he could take care of himself, and be self sufficient. As a means of doing this, he had to demonstrate that he was able to cook food and eat it, without any assistance. So we were buying food for him to use.

    As we were at the check-out, I noticed a label on the bag of frozen burritos that said "Not for individual sale. Can not be used for Immigration test". I told my friend about it, and we left the checkout line, and went back to the (ridiculously massive) frozen burrito section. As I was trying to look through all the labels, and find the small print indicating which ones could be used in an immigration test, my friend got distracted, and kept talking to some horrible guy who was trying to trick her and rob her or something.
    I woke up before there was any resolution beyond this.

    Saturday morning, we got up and went to the Austin 290 Flea Market. Got some lunch after that, and made a good day of it.

    Monday morning, we went to San Antonio, and enjoyed the museum, and then went to the market district, and ate at a really old tex-mex place. We wandered around all the awesome little Mexican imports stores. After that we went to the river walk. Took the barge tour and walked around a bit. I tried to save a baby duck that got separated from it's family and injured. Hopefully it worked. We spent way too much money on candy. Several times.

    Tuesday evening, we went to see AFI.

    Spent the in-between days just relaxing and watching shows, or playing games.

    I am back at work today.

    Got my tax return in, paid off my CC. Gonna deposit the left over cash I saved from vacation, and then total up what I have left after bills wrap up tomorrow, and then move the extra over to savings. I am going to go ahead and fork out the expenses for this year's Halloween build, so I can move along with that (after I do an inventory of what I have vs what I need, etc), then after that, it's on to the saving / payment plans I have worked out. Feels good to be making headway.

    I enjoyed getting out and doing things. I need to make an effort to do so more often. Maybe I should work on a list of local places to hit up. More flea markets and whatever. Or something.

    For now, I guess that's about it.

    «|» Friday, February 10th, 2017 «|»
    8:07 am

    Starlight Adventures

    Last night, I was pushing a cart with wheels through the Dreamlands version of a town that I used to live in. Some kid was walking with me, and I feel like I was supposed to know him from somewhere, but also, I didn't like him too much. More of a good natured sort of tolerating him. At this point, I think the cart contained some sort of food. We were walking down a major street, and this kid was making fun of some dude's hair. I wasn't going to put up with that, so I took the opportunity to inform hum that he was looking at none other than Christopher "Kid" Reid, standing outside of the house that had been the set of House Party, back in the day, and he needed to shut his mouth, because this was probably as close to pure greatness as he would ever stand. It was all true, and it shut him up.

    As we walked along, we took a left turn and stopped to wait a bit. We were soon joined by my friend C. She had been getting some things together for whatever mission we were on. She made some modifications to the cart, using magic (as far as I could tell). We started pushing the cart again, but the perspective changed, and the town around us was now tiny, and the cart was huge, and had treads and a military style like a tank. C explained that this part of town, between here, and the valley we were going to was populated with evil people (mostly politicians and molesters [usually the same thing, imo]), and we need to crush the houses and cut a path through the evil. That's all the convincing it took. I plowed the cart right through it all, like some sort of Godzilla sno-cone stand. Houses and buildings were left crushed, splintered, smoking and ruined.

    As we got to the edge of town, things returned to the regular size, scale, and perspective. The cart, however was no longer like a food cart, or a tank, but now, it was a simple cart containing a lot of craft supplies. As we made our way across the brand new wasteland at the edge of town, we were approached by some sort of official. He was a cop or an agent of some kind, but I am unclear on what exactly. C said to wait with the cart, so I did. The kid that had been following me bailed. This was all too much for him. Good riddance. C talked with the guy, and got rid of him. She either knew him from somewhere, and / or was just that good at flirting with him (probably a little bit of both), and obviously our little old craft cart couldn't possibly have caused any trouble, we are just trying to escape the destruction. So that guy left, and C and I made our way across the wasteland with our craft cart, until eventually we came to a forest.

    By the time we got there, our clothes weren't much more than rags (I mean, mine never really are anyhow...), and we were battle hardened from our adventures. We were pretty awesome. We were joined by a girl who was some kind of Fae, and could conjure snacks out of thin air, which was pretty amazing and useful. She had some sort of ingredients, and she put her palms together, and did the magic, then spread her arms out as far as she could. Between her palms this stuff grew. It was sort of a consistency of marshmallow, wrapped in cotton candy, and it was two different colors. You could pinch a bit off, and put it into your mouth, and it became the most delicious and nourishing liquid. The next thing she did was conjure up a blackberry pie. Is blackberry pie even a thing? I've honestly only had it as a cobbler. What's the real difference there anyhow? But that's another topic... It was amazing and delicious and perfect, and turned into the light of music inside of your mouth. C and I were pretty excited about all this, and glad to have such a useful new companion on our adventures.

    We were traveling through a really awesome huge ancient forest, valiantly protecting our cart with craft supplies,
    when I woke up.

    I think I'd rather stay there, than come back here.

    In other news:
    If people were as good at actually changing, and doing something with their bullshit, as they are about talking up how different things will be, the world sure would be awesome.

    But we all know how that goes.

    «|» Thursday, February 9th, 2017 «|»
    2:01 pm

    Last night, I had a sort of weird series of dreams that were all connected in a liner sort of way, even though I woke up between each sequence. First, I dreamed that I was visiting some oceanfront town with a group of people. I think I had been there before in another dream, but not this same part of town. We were on top of a parking garage structure, which was part of a whole row of shops and buildings which ran right along the water. The only thing separating them from the water was a sidewalk, and it was about 5 feet lower than the 'ground level'. The water came up to about a foot below the sidewalk, and people were walking around, fishing, whatever else, all up and down the sidewalk.

    We we were doing something with our cars up on top of the parking garage, something landed right near us. After expecting it, we discovered that it was a fishing line with all sorts of stuff fastened on to it. Hooks, lures, bits of trash, shells, coins... Pretty much every small thing you can think of. It was a big tangled, snarled mess. As we poked at it, it moved a little bit towards the wall, toward the sea.

    One member of our group explained that there were some sort of traveling homeless / bum people catchers that were in this town. They would throw this knotted mess up somewhere, and when a person got snared in it, they would pull them down towards water level and then rob and drown them.

    I didn't like the sound of that at all. I found a piece of wood, and wrapped the line around it without touching it, and started to turn it to reel the line in. This was unexpected, and the reverse of what they had planned, so I started catching me a people catcher. Before we could get a look at him, he let go and escaped. I went down to the sidewalk to look for him and stop him.

    People were warning me that the tide was coming in, and I needed to get off the sidewalk, but I wasn't listening. I went up and down the walk, as the tide slowly got higher and closer. As soon as it touched the walk, I could see all sorts of scary monster fish and dangerous sea creatures. I tried to hurry back, but I was too close to them and the water came over the walk. I was trying to stick close to the buildings and make it to safety, but I was failing, and I took off like Kitty Cat Jesus meets Spider-Man and scampered towards the land. I woke up right as a huge scary sea monster was right in front of me.


    After that, I dreamed that I was trying to get ready to go to a big concert. It was a Switchblade Symphony show somewhere, and I was really excited since they broke up years ago, and I was finally getting to see them again.

    I was running really late, and my whole family (for some reason) was already there waiting on me. No matter how much I did, for some reason, it was always slowing me down somehow, because someone else was getting ready slower than me and wasting my time. The whole thing was really frustrating and irritating. I remember getting there eventually, but under some bad circumstances, and maybe the band had already played, or maybe I was at the wrong place, I'm not sure. It was almost like a weird heavy metal rodeo or something. I was trying to find people and get sorted, and then I kept being in other places, and I don't know how it worked, but It was all happening because someone was fucking things up and causing trouble for me and the situation until
    I woke up eventually.

    I went back to sleep and the sequence picked up after I got "home" (wherever that was). I was trying to explain what happened to my family and why I didn't make it without actually exposing the fact that it was all because someone was being an awful destructive brat and fucking derailing every plan, every step of the way. Covering things up to protect the person who is being a butt. Go figure. Sounds about right for my life story.

    After a while of this, I went into another room to check the status of the storm, only to discover that this person was holed up in the dark pouting and being a dick as usual when this shit happens, and also playing a weird video game about a space ship. The dream focused on the space ship video game for a bit, but eventually came back out of it with nothing solved, more bickering, fighting and stupidity.

    I left the room, having wasted my time, and I was dodging more questions and making more excuses when
    I woke up from that one too.

    Then you wake up to a nasty passive aggressive world where everything is still stupid, and wasting my time and dragging everything down when it doesn't have to be like that. I can't stand how so many people actively work against their own best interests, against peace, harmony, and prosperity. I will never understand sabotaging happiness, no matter if it is done actively, passively, or unconsciously. Get it fucking together, and at least TRY to have a good live. All of you. The whole world is against us, do we really need to be against one another, against ourselves, and constantly setting fires in our homes for no reason?

    I am so irritated with people.

    «|» Wednesday, February 8th, 2017 «|»
    1:42 pm

    Haven't updated in a few days. Not dead though. Although I suppose that is exactly what it will look like when I do die. A sudden stop. In every way...

    I've been home from work with a throat infection. Nothing too exciting. Found a new phone plan for 1/2 the price of my old one. Gad to order a phone online, but even factoring in that cost, the phone pays for itself in 3 months of reduced monthly bill costs, so it works out. Got all that set up, and managed to keep my number. I dunno why I never think to post except for when I am at work. I guess I am easily distracted.

    Last night, I had a weird family reunion dream, and a weird workplace dream. Nothing terribly special about either, I guess. I don't remember too many details of the first one, but in the work dream, there was a big meeting where we were all brainstorming short stories for a collection novel. I had a GF in the dream (someone I do not know, and have never seen IRL). She didn't work with me, but she attended the meeting, and was hanging out with me during the entire work day. In a bikini, for some reason. It was all very bizarre.

    Got my yearly review at work. It went quite well. That's good.

    «|» Thursday, February 2nd, 2017 «|»
    2:22 pm

    "Stop me if you think that you've heard..."

    Mostly fog from last night. I know that one dream was lost all together, the fragments of the remaining one aren't worth much. I was back in the town I went to Jr High in. I was driving in a convoy with some other people, and we were supposed to meet somewhere. I drove too far and they all turned off. I pulled over at a store, and left my car there and was going to walk to meet them. I'm not fully sure where, why or anything else about it. I know there was a little more to this that I am not remembering now, too.

    Not even going to add more of the same boring old mess again today.
    You've heard it before.
    Bigmouth strikes again.

    «|» Wednesday, February 1st, 2017 «|»
    1:27 pm

    tree dreems

    I had at least 4 dreams last night. I managed to wake up and jot down 3 of them, but I can not remember the 4th currently.

    The first one, I was at some strange version of work, and we were getting ready for a touring act to visit us. It was something like a play, and / or a circus mixed together. Like a play, but with acrobats and whatever. I think it was about pirates.

    I was sitting in a big room, on top of a big pile of stuff that was covered with canvas tarps. I had to climb down from there, because the performers were arriving, and they needed the pile of stuff. I got down, and wandered around with co-workers as they trickled in. Somehow, I heard that the entire troupe of traveling performers knew who I was, and they all hated me. I had no idea why, because I had never met any of them. I was very confused. I tried asking my co-workers questions but no one knew anything more than that.

    I was completely unable to get any more information, as the stage got set up. Eventually, everything was ready to go, and people were taking their seats. One of the traveling crew members who was done with his setup ended up sitting near me, so I tried to talk to him. He tried to refuse, with some cryptic "you know what you did" sort of nonsense. I really had no idea what this was all about, so I kept telling him that, and trying to get more information.

    Finally, he started in on some crazy story filled with drama and accusations, all revolving around people I had never heard of, and events that I knew nothing about. I kept trying to tell him that they had the wrong person, etc, and he listened to me a little, admitting that he had never actually seen this person they all hated, and could not quantify that it was, indeed, me.

    I was making some decent progress with talking to him, and challenging him to have the primary person, on whose behalf they were all pissed off, come out and verify that they had a case of mistaken identity. Before it got quite that far though
    , I woke up.

    (the missing dream took place either right before or right after the above)

    The second dream, I was in a car with my GF, and we were driving down the highway when we started to slide sideways. It was raining and/or snowing or something, and the car just started to move sideways instead of forward. We were still traveling the proper direction on the road, we were just facing to the left, with our passenger side moving down the road. I kept trying desperately to regain control of the vehicle, but nothing I did seemed to matter much. Other cars were just driving along normally, like it wasn't a big deal that we were somehow sideways.

    Eventually I discovered a combination of pushing pedals, and wiggling the wheel that gave me some degree of control, but did nothing to realign the car. I could just control it a bit, as it kept going sideways. I saw an exit coming up, which put it towards the back of the car, since we were facing left. I managed to shoot the car down the exit, and into a parking lot of a strip mall right off the feeder. I clipped a Volkswagen as I went in the lot, but managed to come safely to a stop, in a parking spot right in front of a pet store.

    As I was attempting to exchange info with the driver of the Volkswagen (we both somehow agreed that it was his fault) even though there was no damage done, some Juggalo came out of the pet store with a cloth sack, and kept trying to interrupt us, and sell us some snakes from his sack. He was being an annoying douche (big surprise), and wouldn't leave us alone. Finally we just ignored him. He went back in the store.

    After we got the info exchanged, the other driver left, and I opened the hood of the car, to figure out why it would only slide sideways. As I was looking around under there, the Juggalo came back and started up again with the snake sales. He kept telling me that had some "Sumatran Vipers" in his bag, and he would make me a good deal. I told him that I think it's idiotic to own venomous snakes of any kind, and he needed to go away. He kept walking around the car, and hanging out in the area.

    As I got the car going, I noticed that he had thrown one of his snakes under my car, near my feet. I got back in the car, only to discover that he had also thrown one in the car with my gf. I was trying to get it out and help her, and it was all panic and chaos, and either one, or both of us got bitten and I don't know what was going on, and the tension of it all
    woke me up.

    The third dream, I was grocery shopping, and ran into my ex. I was pushing a shopping cart filled with stuff, and she was pushing a shopping cart filled with stuff. We started talking, and pushing shopping carts, then next I noticed, we were out of the store, pushing them across a parking lot, then across a field, and then we were both running, pushing them really fast across town. I was trying to explain to her that I had fixed her MP3 player for her, by replacing some circuit boards. The MP3 player was also a robot, and the robot was also her child. She couldn't hear me because the wind was too loud from how fast we were pushing the shopping carts. I woke up before any of it ever got sorted out.

    I really wish I could remember the other one. I remembered it for a bit the first time I woke up, but then when I woke up later, and jotted them all down, I was unable to bring up a triggering memory. That's all I ever write down anyhow, is just triggering memories, that keep the dreams anchored and stop them from fading.

    I think this time, I wrote "sideways car, snake sack" "weird play at work" and "grocery cart MP3 robot". That's enough to keep the bridge open, and allow me to access the dream images, and stop them from completely vanishing. I guess it moves them from one part of my brain to another or something, I don't know.

    Since my phone contract was up as of last month, I am currently looking at an idea to get my monthly bill down from 70.00 to 35.00. That will be a nice savings, even if it is a little slower connection. But I am on wifi enough that it may not matter. Who cares anyhow? It's not like I really interact with anyone with it much anyhow. I am going to try to keep my number, since I've had it since my 1st cell phone, but I may not be able to. Maybe purging it won't be a bad idea anyhow. Again with the who cares?

    Meh, I guess I am out of topic for the day. Might as well post it.

    «|» Tuesday, January 31st, 2017 «|»
    7:19 am

    Last night, my dreams were filled with random sad, destructive apocalyptic images. I know that there was a narrative there, but I'm not entirely sure how it all sticks together. I remember a terrible and evil supernatural force, a couple of guys who were well known, but maybe in more of an 'infamous' way than anything positive. I remember a weird kid who was part strange animal somehow. I don't know if things were radiated or what the situation was, but the entire world was garbage. That's about all I have. Maybe that's a good thing. I was late getting to sleep last night, and still managed to wake up 20 mins or more before the alarm went off.

    I have a lot of other things that it would probably do me some sort of good to talk about, and get out, but I cycle back to feeling like I don't have effective language, and feeling like it doesn't matter anyhow.

    Some things just are, and will be, apparently eternally, unless you just cut the head off the entire snake. I hate to feel like I am starting to believe or accept that. But then again, a lifetime of trying to believe that things can be better hasn't really gotten me anywhere...

    At what point am I the one who is out of touch with reality, and now helping the situation?

    It's a depressing thought.
    For a depressing life.

    «|» Monday, January 30th, 2017 «|»
    1:17 pm

    Last night, I dreamed that I was was going with my friend to a job interview for some moral support. Apparently, she was interviewing at a place where I work, or used to work, or something. I was going along, because somehow there was a way that I was going to view the process through her jacket, and supply answers and information to help her get the job. We got in the car, and she was driving along. It was either really early in the morning, or really late at night, because it was dark.

    I fell asleep somehow, even though it was only supposed to be a five or ten minute drive. When I woke up, it was past time for the interview, and we were driving along in the middle of nowhere. Needless to say, I was curious what was going on. She was all upset because some part of her car wasn't working, and she was trying to take it to her grandfather to fix. I asked her to show me what the problem was, and was pretty annoyed that she chose this plan of skipping the interview, and running half way across the state, instead of just waking me up, so we could look at it.

    Her car had all the gauges and -ometers and stuff on the console, like normal. But somehow, it also had a bunch of gauges and -ometers on the inside of the door, as well. Like where normally your arm rest, and window controls would be. That whole door panel was covered by a GPS readout, and a bunch of other crap. The brightness on it had been turned waaaay down, so it was all super dim, and hard to see. That's what had her freaking out. I took a look at it, and there were little adjuster knobs for brightness right there at the bottom, which she probably hit with her elbow. I turned them back up, which fixed the issue, but I was trying to explain that sitting sideways in the drivers seat, facing the driver side door was not a safe or effective way to drive the car, so that needed to get fixed anyhow.

    At this point, we were almost to the house, so we just kept going, after a very difficult and dramatic drive along the final road. The place we arrived at was a sort of A frame house, where my friend lived with her husband, and for some reason, her grandparents lived with them "sometimes". We parked and went in, and only her grandmother was there. I had never been here before, so I wandered around a bit and had a look. They explained to me that the reason they bought the house was because of all the cool plastic pipes running along the ceiling and through the walls all over.

    I was having a look at all that mess, and then found a weird sort of fancy dishwasher in the kitchen. which had the same weird GPS readout that the door of the car had. I was asking what the deal was with all this, and they said that it was because of ______. ______, being a girl's name, but I can't remember it, in that way that sometimes things in dreams are not a real thing, but a symbol of a thing, and even though it could be a "name" and be "spoken" in the dream, it might never actually make a noise, or appear as anything that you can take away with you afterwards. Anyhow, the weird GPS things, and possibly the weird plastic pipes, as well as the reason they bought the house, was because of ______. I asked who ______ was, and they called for her, and she came out to meet me. She had come with the house, they explained. Apparently ______ was some sort of false person. A Robot or an AI or who the hell knows. She looked like a cross between several different people. They showed me pictures of the house back before they bought it when it was under a previous owner, and ______ looked completely different back then, and apparently adapted to her environment, as she collected genetic material over time. This whole thing was kinda weird and sketchy to me, but also somehow kind of familiar. Between the photos, some stuff that I "remembered" in the dream, and some sort of research that I was able to do, I somehow 'recognized' who ______ really was, and called her out on it.

    A that moment, ______ transformed into a giant hideous tentacle monster, and began to flail about, causing a gigantic ruckus. Everyone but me, and a couple of people that I don't know who they were, or where they came from, escaped. The other people were consumed into the monster. I didn't run, or fight it, I started trying to reason with it. The ordeal was all dramatic and spectacular, and after however long, the monster kind of exploded into a shower of slime / goo, and left a girl in its place.

    This was ______ in her true form, the way she had originally come to this planet, before she got made into whatever kind of robot servant thing she had been for however long. I somehow knew all this, and had known her before all that happened. We decided to run away together, before the people who did this to her (apparently her alien brothers) showed up to capture her again.

    We threw a few quick supplies together, and started to run for it. Somehow, both of my cars were in a parking lot not terribly far from this house. We just had to get there. As soon as we got out the door, someone started shooting lasers at us. Needless to say, her evil alien brothers showed up and were trying to catch her. We ran back in the house, and tried to go out the back way. There were various action scenes and dramatics as all this happened, but eventually we made it out the back door, and ran to the right, and hid behind a wall, and a mound of dirt.

    There were some other people hiding from the ordeal back there, too. They had a mixed reaction between being glad we were ok, being upset that we were hiding with them, while we were the targets, and being upset that ______ was an alien.

    The evil space brothers were searching for us, and it was a matter of time until they found us, so we were making plans, when a whole gang of people rounded the corner with weapons. They were a different alien faction, and I knew them from whatever past I had that had involved me knowing ______ in the first place. The leader of them was not happy to see me, in that sort of way where he was probably more jealous about something in the past, rather than having any real idea that I was a bad guy, you know?

    There was some debate with these space-turds, and they were going to blow my leg up with some kind of space bomb, to make a distraction so ______ could escape. Needless to say, I was opposed to this. After too much arguing, and time wasting, I just agreed to it in order to help her escape. It never came to that, because I
    woke up and was unable to see how it all played out.

    Aside from that.... Well, there's not much aside from that.

    I won the lottery again. But only 3.00, so I can't run away and start a new life. Well, I guess I could. But I couldn't run very far. And my "new life" would be like "a candy bar".

    Going to try to scrape and save on even my tight budget that I am on right now, and slowly slip a bit into savings here and there. It's become somewhat of an obsession / challenge with me at this point. "How little can I make it on?" At first, I was feeling antsy about having given myself 50 bucks a week for gas (which is about 30ish / week, driving to and from work), etc. But I can manage to stick to a surprisingly low amount of 'etc' when I try. I expect that even with spending 10 bucks every Taco Tuesday for 2 half-price taco dinners (hey, we gotta get out of the house occasionally), that I can still sneak a few bucks into savings each month. And soon, once the tax check comes in, that amount will rise quite a bit. I think my pay-off plan will lower my expenses by between 100 to 300 per month, which I can put in savings. Gonna blow all the savings on paying off a 2nd bill when it gets high enough. It's a weird thing to be excited about. But I am taking it as a good thing to be focusing on, and sticking to. Hopefully my steam on it lasts, and I can keep focusing. Even if I sound like a broken record here, going on about stupid useless crap that no one but me even cares about, I think that having some outlet to express it helps me.

    Even if I am talking to myself. haha

    «|» Friday, January 27th, 2017 «|»
    3:01 pm

    Variation on typical themes last night. I dreamed of trying to navigate some school cafeteria (not sure if it was college, or even elementary school, there was no way to really determine) with no money. Surrounded by food, slowly starving. The American Way. This aspect went on for a while, and was awful.

    After that, I went back to the room I was staying in. Seemed like a dorm or a hotel, and was obviously temporary. My GF had run off somewhere, apparently for good. She left everything I ever gave her in a sort of pile. There were these two ill behaves little boys there, that we were supposed to be watching for someone, and they had gotten into everything. And to top it all off, I was supposed to be moving and vacating the premises ASAP.

    I was trying to get things rounded up to get out of this place, and get these children packed up for whoever owned them to come and get, but they kept not coming, so it kept on being my problem. After a while, I discovered that they also had a sister with them, who had been so quiet and well behaved, that I never knew she was there, amidst the chaos. I was trying to keep an eye on all of them while also packing things into trailers, and into a U-Haul truck.

    Eventually, I got most of it packed, and I had the girl in the back of the truck, and the boys were all in side-cars with some bikers, and my dad came along and hooked up a weird classic car to the first trailer, and then hooked each additional trailer to the back of the one before it, so that there was a long snake of like 10 trailers laden with stuff, and he was planning to just drive it along like that.

    It seemed kinda sketchy, but he said that he knew what he was doing, and I had too much to worry about with the kids and the bikers to worry about it. As the procession creeped along, I found 2 weird garage spaces with old car parts that I had to do something with. It was a treasure trove of junk. I was trying to juggle all these different aspects of everything, with all this mess going on
    , and I woke up. Couldn't go back to sleep, and missed 30 mins to an hour of sleep before the alarm went off.

    Filed my taxes last night. Hopefully the check comes in soon. Should be able to fully pay off one of my few remaining bills, and then put the (small amount) of left over funds into savings. I will save it there and try to add to it as I can until I have enough to pay off another bill, and then repeat that process 1 more time, and I will have zero bills, outside of my regular monthly recurring stuff (car note, mortgage, utilities, etc). That process would pay off a CC, the financing on my computer, and my personal loan. If I keep living by this strict budget (yay, ramen noodles) that I've been on for the past couple of weeks, it actually shouldn't take all that long. When that happens, I should be able to really save the shit out of some money, since it won't be all going so steeply towards debt each month. I should be able to amass tools and supplies for the two biggest projects on my plate right now (The Studebaker, and Halloween 2017). Having those things as goals has really helped me curb my random expenses. The food budget has dropped by 75% for instance. Hopefully my momentum on it lasts. I think that paying something off will feel good enough and be such a big step, that it will further strengthen my resolve. So, I guess any time within the next 21 days (so claims the IRS), that should happen.

    «|» Thursday, January 26th, 2017 «|»
    2:57 pm

    Typical boring dreams last night. Stuck in a weird school, crowded hallways, can't find my locker, don't know the combination, can't access my books, no idea what class room I am supposed to be in, no idea what day it is, or what my schedule is like, and no way to get help. I have these regularly, it always goes the same way. I get frustrated and unhappy, then I have a moment where I realize that it has no power over me, and I don't have to be there, and I don't have to care, and I don't need any of it. Then usually I wake up. This time, about 1.5 hrs before the alarm, and then can't go back to sleep. It's getting old. This seriously happens once a week or more. It's silly.

    Going up levels in Restlessness.

    Pew Pew!

    «|» Wednesday, January 25th, 2017 «|»
    7:45 am

    Last night, I dreamed about being in a weird store. It was a hospital gift shop, presumably (I honestly don't think I have ever actually been in one in person), but it was also like a re-sale shop, a book store, a comic / game store, and a pet adoption center, all rolled into one. I was with my family, and we were all browsing around, waiting on something. I was carrying this awesome white cat around with me, and he was totally chill and beautiful. After a while, one of the shop workers came and asked me if I was ready to take him home today, because the adoption papers came through, and he was going to be mine as soon as I signed the papers.

    I couldn't take him right then, so I agreed to come back the next day after I got everything ready. I carried him around for a while, and loved on him, until everyone was ready to go. We left the store, and walked through the hospital, to a waiting room. We took our seats, and my sister came out to sing the national anthem. She took a pause in the middle to point out to me that my ex was in the waiting room, filling out papers. I didn't recognize her at first, because she had this terrible blond hair, cut super short, and really curly, and also looked really sick and different. I wasn't sure that it was her at all, so I peeked at the papers, and she was even spelling her name different.

    After a bit, we began to talk. Kind of slowly and awkwardly at first, but as we gained steam, and really began talking, she slowly resumed her normal appearance. Her hair straightened out and got longer, and dark, her sunken, sick look faded away, until she looked like her old self (I mean, I assume she still looks like that, but I don't really have any way of knowing).

    Something else was happening around this time, but I am unclear on what it was
    , and I woke up enough to drop the connection with the dream, and I can't remember anything else from the night.

    This insane urge to move out of state feels like it is becoming an obsession.
    I've visited a lot of places, but never really entertained notions about settling somewhere else, for the long term before. I guess my love/hate relationship with this city has finally turned into enough disinterest, due to all the changes and garbage around here, that I just don't care anymore.

    I've never had much of an idea of where I would go or anything else, but lately, that has shifted. If I suddenly had the money, I know exactly the steps that I would take, and what my goals would be. Not that it really changes anything at all, of course, because I am still here, and still barely making enough to string life from check to check, but it's an interesting mental and emotional adjustment to at least have these thoughts and feelings.

    Of course, the jury is still out on whether or not the very act of having dreams, goals, desires or expectations (real, fanciful, active, idle, or whatever) is a good, or a bad thing, so I suppose that I will have to get back to you on that one.

    I guess maybe this doesn't need a separate slot, because it may all be connected, but this is how it's falling out... Things feel really philosophical and introspective lately.

    Again, not sure if it's a good or a bad thing. It feels like a 'fed up' thing. Like a 'reaching the limits' thing. But not in any kind of angry way. Or really even in any kind of exhausted way. It's different from that. Which I guess is what makes it strange.

    I feel like I don't really have the correct language to discuss any of it, unfortunately (or is it?), so I don't know what else to say.

    And for now, I guess not knowing what (else) to say (or how) puts a stop to it.

    «|» Tuesday, January 24th, 2017 «|»
    2:04 pm

    Had a dream about a big old house, in poor condition. I have dreamed of it before, but I am never quite sure where it correlates to (but I always suspect that it's in the Dreamlands version of Huntsville, so that's likely to be the case). Last night, a number of people were there with me, and someone had come up with a way to trap and domesticate ghosts. We were pretty excited about it, so we tried it out as soon as possible.

    We immediately caught a ghost We were really happy about it, but as we started talking to the thing, it turns out that it was the insufferable ghost of an entitled frat boy who was born with a silver spoon, always handed everything, and thought that the world revolved around him. He made as shitty a ghost as he did a living being. We were plagued with him, because the process didn't detail how to get rid of it once you managed to catch one :/

    After a while of this, I went out to get food with a few people. At first we were driving in a sort of station wagon, but over the course of the places we went, it slowly became a sort of bus. Where all the seats had pedals, and we had to pitch in like a huge multi-person bicycle. We were leaving a parking lot, and some people got in, thinking it was a real bus. They were some sort of celebrities or something, but we made them pedal anyhow, and gave them a ride to a mall, where they were going some sort of holiday appearance.

    The mall was closed and empty though, so we opened it back up and decided we would run the celebrity appearance ourselves, and make money off of it. While we were working on getting all this ready,
    I woke up.

    As far as the rest of it goes...
    Distant forests call my name in songs so loud that I am having trouble hearing my daily tasks.

    «|» Monday, January 23rd, 2017 «|»
    9:06 am

    Actually for Monday, 1/23/2017

    Had a dream last night about being back on the old property again for some reason. My mom's brothers were up to some shenanigans or the other, and had a lot of sketchy vehicles coming and going. Some Scooby-Doo villainry or the other. So we were going to drive over there and see what was what.

    For some reason, my dad was there (you can always tell that it's going to be a nightmare when...) and we drove over in some old bronco or some type of 4wd thing he had. It was him, & me, & Cam, and some other people who I am unclear on. We went across the fields, and over in the corner of the other property, they had some area marked out and watered heavily, to make a mud field, and there were some guys in limousines doing do-nuts out there. Not sure what all that was about. We turned and headed towards the road from there, and went past some sort of pond / pool area that had been carved out.

    We stopped to look at this mess. Part of it seemed to be some strange redneck swimming pool, and another part of it seemed to be stocked with carp and whatever. The fish were friendly and hungry, so they came right up to us. The part with the fish was built above ground, and the sides were glass or plastic or something. It went a bit above the ground, and there was a hole in the glass, so you could reach in. Thanks to dream physics, the water just formed a wall that you could reach through, rather than running out the hole.

    I reached in, and pulled a fish out to examine. After a couple of seconds, I stuck him right back in. As we goofed around with these fish, and this vertical water situation, a massive knot of toys and junk floated over to where we were. It was a lot of little plastic green army men, similar plastic 'cowboys and Indians', dinosaurs, mermaids, my little ponys, rubber snakes, a jump rope or two, just a bunch of junk that kids would leave behind at a pool or whatever.

    As this tangle of toys washed up near us, the fish moved on a bit. I noticed that among the knot of jumbled toys, that some of the rubber snakes were not painted bright, garish yellows, oranges and greens, like they typically are, but several of them were not only realistic looking, but were also opening up their little cobra hoods, and getting ready to strike. I tried to tell everyone to look out, and I moved away from the water. Of course, my dad didn't listen to me, and dismissed what I was saying as though I had no idea what I was talking about. Consequently, one of the nasty little cobras came right out of the vertical water wall, and skipping everyone else lunged all the way across the vehicle, and bit my hand.

    He latched on good. I managed to get him pulled off with my other hand. I tried to hang on to him so we could present him at the hospital so they would know what bit me, and how to fix it. There was a lot of screaming as the wad of toys, and several other snakes started falling out of the pool, both into and around the vehicle. It was chaos. I was fighting with the snake that bit me, trying to not get bit again. I was calling out for help, and a belt to wrap around my arm to stop the venom from spreading, and trying to get taken to the hospital immediately. Cam had a pair of scissors or something from somewhere, so he cut the snake's head off, so it wouldn't bite me again.

    Of course, during the greatest moment of the crisis, my dad was more focused on blaming everyone else, rather than actually doing anything to solve it. He was so busy calling out about how it wasn't his fault, and he had no way of knowing (never mind the fact that I straight TOLD him) and generally trying to twist the situation into one wherein HE was the victim. So basically it was exactly how it would have been in real life.
    I got so mad, that I woke myself up from talking in my sleep. That was probably an hour or so before my alarm went off this morning, and I wasn't able to get back to sleep.

    Dreaming about him always sucks, but I will take this kind over one of the dreams about him coming in my room to attack me in my sleep. It's amazing how surviving abuse can still affect your life so many years later.

    I guess the weekend ended up with a mix of good and bad.
    The good ended up being a somewhat last minute road trip. The household took the Tesla down to Fredericksburg, TX. I had never been before. It was a German settlement however many years ago when Texas was a baby, so they still have a heavy German influence in a lot of things, which I am also sure that they ham up for tourists.

    It was fun, we saw about 1/2 of the main town area, and I think everyone would like to do it again eventually, and see the other half.0

    The bad side of the weekend is that apparently, even simple communication is hard. I say 'hard' which is a word which here means "impossible for some people to initiate, under any circumstances, and outrageously difficult for them to even respond to when it is initiated by another, and put right in their lap, fully diagrammed, and made as simple as possible to respond to."

    I really do try, continually, to focus on the positive things, and to keep relatively quiet about the other things. For several reasons. Chiefly among them, being that I get it. I understand. I really, honestly do.

    But sometimes, I just get so tired, and feel so old, and feel like... Well I don't even know anymore.

    Whatever. I guess we will see.
    Not like I ever had the audacity to really expect much of anything from life anyhow.

    7:08 am

    AND, here is Friday's post that didn't go through for some reason :/

    Last night, I dreamed about being a weird winding library. I was there with some people, as well as there being strangers there. I don't remember that I particularly liked all of the people I was there with. I remember there being everything there. Books, Comics, Board game stuff. In weird twisting winding nook and cranny rooms. Endless. I remember searching for something, and there being some purposes, but I have no details.

    I also remember a dream where I was in a house, and then I went out side, and I was on a ladder, sweeping out the rain gutters. I was talking to someone inside the house, through the windows.
    "Voices talking somewhere in the house, late spring, and you're drifting off to sleep with your teeth in your mouth." But that's about all I got with that one, as well.



    «|» Friday, January 20th, 2017 «|»
    7:10 am

    Here's the post that didn't go through for yesterday:

    Been checking my virtual documents at work every day, to see when the tax forms post. They usually show up there at least several weeks (if not more) before they show up in the mail.

    Got to print out my 2016 tax forms, so I should be able to go ahead and file them tonight. Maybe I will get a decent return, and be able to pay a bill down. I just have to put on my big girl pants, and NOT buy a welding machine. Then, I have to have the control to NOT turn around and buy one with my credit card, if I get it fully paid off (I expect that I will be able to, I don't owe THAT much on it anymore). Then, all I would have is my monthly bills (car, house, utilities, etc) and then the financing on my computer, and my personal loan payments to worry about. The small personal loan will be paid off in a year, even if I can't manage to pay it early, and the computer financing isn't that much, so I might save it for last, and focus on the personal loan completion before that.

    I know, I know... The only thing MORE boring than the usual drivel, is silly financial drivel.
    Well, it;s just boring around here, sorry. I guess you need to go read Space Adventure Stories for your excitement.

    I had an awful time getting to sleep last night, I don't know why. And none of the thoughts flooding me and keeping me up were beneficial, other than one really cool idea for a pair of pants that I would like to make (I made a note of it). It was mostly a flood of missed connections, past loss, regrets, and memories of naked bodies.

    I don't even remember any of my dreams, once I did finally obtain fitful sleep.

    Consequently, I had a tough time getting up this morning, and getting ready and leaving the house.
    I did, however, get a picture before I left, and put it up on Instagram. So, there's that.

    «|» Wednesday, January 18th, 2017 «|»
    1:59 pm

    Well, who the hell knows if things are any better yet.
    It's a crazycoaster, buckle up motherfucker.

    «|» Tuesday, January 17th, 2017 «|»
    11:49 am

    I guess my minor wining wanted to teach me a lesson by having life really shit all over the place.
    Fucking great.

    The worst part of some bullshit like this is how isolating it all is. There isn't even any real way that I can talk to anyone about any of it. It's such garbage. I can barely deal with myself and my own bullshit sometimes (although I am actually proud of how far I have come and how good I have done), but dealing with the illnesses of other people, especially when they refuse, or are unable to help themselves, is just beyond me.

    Maybe I should just give up.
    Getting sick and tired of being twisted into something I am not, anyhow. I know that I have been patient above and beyond, in every way possible, but why does it still feel so much like failing? I don't even know where to aim the disappointment anymore.

    I am empty of words right now. I don't know what to say, or any thoughts that would help me.

    So, I guess I will just shut up.

    «|» mood: defeated «|»

    «|» Monday, January 16th, 2017 «|»
    10:00 am

    Muddy foot prints

    From last night, I remember dreaming about walking out into a shopping strip parking lot with my brother, and a child-sized robot. We went to some sort of stand (like snow-cones or something) that my brother owned, and his motorcycle was missing. His employee said that someone claiming to be the police had come and taken it.

    We knew that it wasn't really the police, but some guy that was trying to hold it for ransom or some such nonsense. The guy didn't know me (or the robot) though, so we decided to walk across the parking lot, cross the street, and go to where the guy was waiting in another shopping strip, and see if we could surprise him, and get the bike back for my brother.

    When we started walking over, I realized that I didn't have my shoes, so I sent the robot for them, and told it to catch up to me. I made it all the way over to where the guy was with no shoes. He was sitting on the bike and waiting for whatever evil he was up to. I approached him, and started asking him for directions, as a ruse to get close enough to grab him. It was working, and I was getting closer and closer when the robot came along suddenly, hurrying towards me, calling out, and carrying my brother's shoes. The guy recognized them, and sped away on the motorcycle.

    I woke up at that point, so I never got to catch him.

    When I fell back asleep, my other dream was about having to wrangle ferrets and try to stick their wiggly disobedient asses into a weird cage. It seemed like there was always one more on the loose that I had to try to catch. Filthy little bastards.

    Everything else is still essentially the same. It was a rainy weekend, so I mostly just stayed in and didn't do much. We got the maintenance done on the Scion though, so that's out of the way. I feel like I am in a comfortable place research wise, so I think I will work up a project order next, and try to wrap my head around the best 'order of operations' for everything.

    Hoping my tax papers post soon, so I can submit for return, and get a chunk closer to better financial situations.
    It's a Ramen noodle week until at least Friday, and then we'll see how it goes after that lol.

    Honestly, I don't mind it though. It's not forever, and it hasn't been long enough that the novelty has worn off lol

    «|» Friday, January 13th, 2017 «|»
    2:53 pm

    I did that thing again, where I woke up and remembered some really cool dreams, fell back asleep, forgot those ones, but had more cool dreams, then woke up for the day. I screwed around and didn't jot them down, so now I have forgotten. Again.

    I am coming up on another cycle of having to train people at work again.

    On one hand it's ok because it's something different, and a little less direct work for me during the cycle, but it's taxing because of social interaction.

    But, one of the new people who sat with me today was actually quite cool. Maybe i'll get that one, or some sort of decent one at least. The last one was a little iffy, at best lol.

    I don't have to worry about it for a bit though.

    I need to do some window shopping at the hardware store soon. I can't afford any supplies this week, but it would help me in my lists, organizing, and planning. Since that's not really the best, most driving reason to go, however, it's a lot more likely that I just won't.

    Also, I have to be up at 6:00am tomorrow to help with someone else's project.

    «|» Thursday, January 12th, 2017 «|»
    2:41 pm

    Last night was dreams about a crappy family reunion (I have these every so often, it's one of my recurring bad dream themes, like all the school dreams, and the accidentally driving over a cliff dreams, and the alien invasion dreams). At this one, I had to engage in some weird competitive yoga / wrestling sort of event, and the guy I had to go up against was some intense musclebound WWF / Rob Lefield super hero reject. He was all awful and oily. Then, when I was trying to leave the place, a bunch of 'family members' decided to take a sudden interest (read as "get nosy") about my life. I don't remember too many more details.

    I keep dreaming about you. Different scenarios. Different situations. Other worlds. Other futures.
    Silent Rapture. Sore feet, fallen leaves and the smell of distant burning. My heart roams somewhere damp, with the cacophony of ancient forests filling my head. Give me a few million dollars and see how fast and drastic my life changes. I would leave this ugly city behind in a heartbeat. I used to think I would stay. My love/hate for the place keeping me going. But it's grown into a tumor. I only stay because of work, family and an inability to make drastic changes without those two systems in place. But I've moved on spiritually. Give me a new live, and I could be gone with no qualms. I'd buy a chunk of the forest, and spend my time learning and creating. If I had tons of money, on top of that dream, I would open a movie theater. This place would feel best as a place I visit sometimes from a newer, better, happier life.

    But instead, I will work every day until I am old and die with no real changes to the patterns.

    «|» Wednesday, January 11th, 2017 «|»
    12:47 pm


    Same thing as yesterday.

    «|» Tuesday, January 10th, 2017 «|»
    1:26 pm

    Maybe I should just come here and start posting "Same thing as yesterday." on here. It's no more / less repetitive, and a lot easier for my to type out :P

    «|» Monday, January 9th, 2017 «|»
    2:36 pm

    We live, as we dream: Alone.

    Feeling garbage at updating.

    I remembered my dreams for a bit this morning, but then I dragged my feet, and now I've forgotten.

    Cleaned the fridge out real well this weekend, so that's good.

    I need a big chunk of money to get things together, and get things done on all my projects.

    Really feeling the bottleneck of funding right now. So many cool things I could be working on, but the next 2 weeks are going to be Fueled By Ramen. Hopefully it is a bit better after that. But I think I said this before.

    I think I said this before.

    I think I said this before.

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